来打我的痛点吧！ Hit me where it hurts.
保证笑死你的15部 黑糖白兰咖主演电影
一、《皮皮辫子妹》
二、《野蛮约会》
三、《游戏结束》
四、《南方女佣》
五、《疯狂单车》
来打我的痛点吧！ Hit me where it hurts.
黑糖片酬创下二千万美元纪录
黑糖白兰咖成为续集天后
八、《高球也疯狂》
九、《修女最疯狂》
来打我的痛点吧！ Hit me where it hurts.
十、《大学玩咖》
十一、《白烂桌球》
票房常胜军
十二、《攀岩低手》
十三、《曼蒂的世界》
十四、《跃马嘻哈道》
来打我的痛点吧！ Hit me where it hurts.
我们进度落后 所以要尽快 帮你弄梳化、送你到片场 We're behind, so we really need to get you in hair and makeup and on set as soon as possible.
别忘了还要跟索尼影业的 And remember we have that FaceTime session
续集电影新导演通视讯电话 with the new director of the Sony franchise.
你1点要跟八卦杂志进行电话访问 Plus, you have a phone interview with In Touch Weekly at 1:00.
他们现在在跟灯光替身排练第一景 There's your new first team rehearsal right now, with stand-in.
等一下吃午饭时 要把所有改写部分读剧一遍 And we're gonna do a table read of all the rewrites later at lunch. And don't worry,
别担心 我们会买 羽衣甘蓝沙拉 不会买面包丁 we're gonna get you that kale Caesar, no croutons.
我们得做脸部模型 And we need to do a face cast after that.
我们还要约时间拍沙龙照 Plus, we need to book in some time for a photo shoot.
我会把这件事写在行程上 And I'll put that on your schedule.
还有医生要来看 你上次特殊化妆后起的疹子 There's a doctor coming to check the rash that you got from the prosthetic you wore yesterday
还有帮你打维生素B12 and to give you a B12 shot.
你必须找人跟你读对白 还有多的人手吗？ Do you need somebody to run lines with you in hair and makeup
可是我们必须帮你弄好头发和化妆 Do we have any spare humans But we do need to get you into hair and makeup,
白兰咖小姐 我们现在 真的必须带你去梳化了 Yeah, we really need you to go into hair and makeup right now, Miss Black, like now.
我干你妈、干你爸、干你们全家！ Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you!
我他妈干！ Fuck my life!
黑糖白兰咖
好 请等一下 Okay, hold the work please.
我们要跟灯光替身进行第一组排演 We're gonna do our first team rehearsal again with the stand-in.
好 大家预备 All right, everybody set
好 开麦拉 Okay, action.
戒指在我这里 I have the ring right here.
我在奶奶死后从她手指拿下来的 I took it off grandma's finger while she was dying.
其实是快死的时候 Well, almost dying.
我那个贱人老姐去跑趴 根本不知道戒指在我这里 My bitch sister's at a party.She doesn't even know I have it.
她绝对别想拿到 She's never gonna get her hands on it.
这个绝对打到我的痛点了 That hit me where it hurts.
好 排演结束！ Okay. That's a cut on rehearsal.
好 各位都做得很好 很不错 Okay, guys. That was great. Looks great.
安迪 你可以后退差不多10%吗？ Andy, could you try and take that pull back like 10%,
慢一点 谢谢 little bit slower Thank you.
-芭芭拉 抱歉 -怎样？ - Excuse me, Barbara. - Yeah.
我了解黑糖 她会想在摇椅那边停 I know Candy, and she's gonna want to stop
所以也许能把位置移过去一点 at the arm chair.So, um, maybe we could move the mark over.
好 对耶 谢谢宝拉 我会跟卡麦隆讲 Uh, yeah, yeah. Sure. Thanks Paula. I'll tell camera.
好 谢谢 Oh, great. Thank you.
黑糖来了吗？快一点… Have we got Candy on deck
第一副导演说黑糖不来了… Gotta go, gotta go.
天啊！ Oh, my God
你上次那部电影演得很棒 You were great in that last film you did.
谢谢 Oh, thanks.
其实我也是演员 I'm actually an actress myself.
-那很好啊 -不要搞错意思 - That's great. - Don't get me wrong.
我很喜欢当灯光替身 I love being a stand-in.
黑糖和我合作多年 Candy and I have been together for years,
她是其中的佼佼者 and she's the best.
只是我真正想做的是演戏 It's just that my true passion is acting.
你的成功秘诀是什么？ 我这样问请你不要见怪 What's your secret to success If you don't mind me asking.
我很重视保持距离 I guess I believe in boundaries,
跟专业人员保持专业距离 professional boundaries between professionals.
这大概是我的工作哲学 That's probably my whole philosophy.
我想找个演出经纪人 I was just looking for an acting agent,
不知道你… and I don't suppose...
不行…我得… Oh. No, I have to...
路易斯 Louis.
路易斯 你他妈拿佣金干什么吃的？ Louis, what actual fuck do you do for your commission
那就叫你的艺人滚出拖车 到片场来 Well, then get your client out of her trailer and onto this set.
你在讲什么？我喜欢黑糖 What are you talking about I love Candy,
但是我还得带领半个剧组执导这部片 but I can't wrangle her while I'm trying to
不能跟她闹翻 direct this picture with half a crew.
路易斯 Louis.
你要我怎么做？ Well, what do you want me to do
要我打给玛莉莎麦卡锡的经纪人吗？ You want me to call Melissa McCarthy's agent
叫她离开拖车就对了 Just get her out of the trailer.
黑糖 我是路易斯！ Candy, its Louis.
大姐 芭芭拉把我骂得很惨 Buddy, Barbara's been giving me a really hard time.
不过管她去死 干 But you know what Fuck her!
导演有做什么事吗？对吧？ Okay What do directors even do Right
他们只会…只会叫演员 做他们早就在做的事 They just... They tell people to do things they were already gonna do
然后说是自己的功劳 and then take credit for it.
所以别为她拍这部片 就算为了我吧 So, don't do this film for her. Do it for me.
为了我们？ For us Huh
因为我相信你可以 来吧 大姐 Because I believe in you.Come on, buddy.
而且你因为那部 在巴贝多拍的电影还欠我钱 Um, you also owe me money for that movie that you did in Barbados
结果你根本就忘了演 that you don't remember making.
怎么样？ So what do you say
不要 你他妈滚开！ No! Fuck off!
至少有个起头了 So, that's a start.
我现在要回片场 让芭芭拉知道进展很顺利 So, I'm gonna head back to set and let Barbara know that this went well.
我相信你马上就会出现了 And I'm confident that I will see you momentarily.
我干… Fucking...
想点办法 do something.
黑糖？ Candy.
黑糖 是我 宝拉 你的灯光替身 Candy, it's Paula, your stand-in.
我有话要跟你说 Listen, I have to tell you something.
我刚刚不小心听到芭芭拉说 I just overheard Barbara saying they're going to fire you
他们要开除你 找玛莉莎麦卡锡来演 and hire Melissa McCarthy.
那就祝她成功了 Well, good luck to her.
问题是我跟玛莉莎麦卡锡 长得一点都不像 Well, the thing is, I don't look anything like Melissa McCarthy.
她会带自己的灯光替身 到时我就失业了 所以… She'll bring her own stand-in,and then I'll be out of a job, so...
请你出来吧 Please come out.
拜托啦 Please
为了我好吗？ For me
好 各位 Okay, everybody
我就别站在茅坑不拉屎了 let's flush this turd down the toilet.
好 快点 开工了！ Okay. Chop, chop. Let's go.
拍戏啦！我们马上开拍 Picture's up. We are going right for a take.
所有人最后检查一次 Everybody, last looks please.
好 快点清场 Okay, come on. Clear the set.
我们早就准备好了 快点 We've been ready.Come on.
第一组请做好准备 We need first team on our marks, please.
好 现在所有人清场 Okay. Everybody off the set now.
场记麻烦请打板 Can we have a slide-in
小薇 我们看得到你 请后退1公尺 Vivian, we can see you.Back off three feet.
请打板 谢谢 Mark it. Thank you.
然后… And...
开麦拉！ action.
戒指在我这里 I've got the ring right here.
我在奶奶死后从她手指拿下来的 I took it off grandma's finger while she was dying.
其实是快死的时候 Well, almost dying.
我那个贱人老姐去跑趴 根本不知道戒指在我这里 My bitch sister's at a party. She doesn't even know I have...
-我的天啊！ -老天爷！ - Oh! Oh, my God! - Jesus Christ.
-卡！ -搞屁啊？ - Cut! - what the fuck
搞什么？你在干嘛？ What the hell What are you doing
为什么不拿玻璃瓶打她？ Why didn't you hit her with a bottle
她真的打她？ She really hit her
对 用大理石猫雕刻 Yeah, with a fucking marble cat.
我还没吃早餐 Sorry, I didn't have breakfast.
没人买早餐给我 我没吃早餐就会变了样 Nobody got me breakfast! I'm not myself when I don't have breakfast.
可以拿点吃的给第一组吗？ Can we get first team some food, please
你还好吗？ Are you okay
不好 芭芭拉 我他妈一点都不好！ No, Barbara.I'm not fucking okay.
要是有个白痴臭婊子拿大理石刻的猫 How the fuck would you feel if some stupid bitch smacked you in the head
砸在你头上 你会有什么感觉？ with a fucking marble cat
我真的不知道 I didn't realize.
喔 你不知道？ Oh, didn't realize
“喔 我真的不知道！” "Oh, I didn't realize."
狗屁！ Bullshit!
我他妈应该踹死你 I should kick your fucking ass.
来啊 天才 Here, genius.
干他妈的猫、玻璃瓶 Fucking cat, bottle.
玻璃瓶、猫 Bottle, cat.
你应该拿其中一个砸我的头 One of them is meant to be smashed over a head.
另外一个不行 懂吗？ And the other isn't. See
我真的很抱歉 I'm so sorry.
他妈的不要抱歉 要用脑！ Don't be fucking sorry. Think.
是因为血糖的关系 我还没吃早餐 It's my blood sugar. I didn't have breakfast.
天啊 你真是可悲 谁给她吃点蛋白 干 God, you're pathetic. Somebody get her a fucking egg white.
你他妈一定也在减肥吧？ I bet you're on a fucking diet, right
你知道怎么减肥吗？ You know how to diet
他妈的狂吃披萨然后吸古柯碱 Eat a fucking pizza and do an eight ball.
我干你老师咧！ 老娘在讲话 你们不准走！ Hey, fuck you! Don't walk away when I'm fucking talking!
我跟你们讲话时 你们谁都不准走 干 Don't fucking walk away from me when I'm talking to you.
什么都要我帮你们做吗？ Do I have to do all your jobs for you
这样会比较好吗？ Would that be better
好 让我…帮大家一个忙 Okay. Like, just, I helped everyone.
你们什么屁都不用做 And then if you had to fucking do anything...
要不要… How about...
要是我拿这个玻璃瓶 Would it be better if I took this bottle
砸自己这颗鸟头 会不会比较好？ and smashed it over my own fucking head
我来处理 I'll take care of this. -
这样好吗？一点都不好笑！ Would that be good It's not funny.
整部电影都他妈很难笑！ None of this is fucking funny.
除非我搞笑 否则谁都他妈笑不出来 And none of you get to fucking laugh unless I'm being funny!
你们这些混蛋 这个并不好笑 干 And this, assholes, isn't fucking funny.
黑糖 我们去走走吧？ Candy, how about we take a walk
路易斯 你他妈离我远一点 因为要不是因为你 Louis, get the fuck away from me.Because if it wasn't for you,
我就不会演这部烂片 I wouldn't be doing this crap.
抱歉 芭芭拉 但这片烂到爆 Sorry, Barbara, but this is shit.
这部片不烂 只是另外一种质感 It's not shit. This is an alternative type of quality.
烂就是烂！你烂 你也烂 It is shit, and you're shit, and you're shit.
你们全都他妈的烂！ And you're all fucking shit!
我的眼睛！我的天啊！ Oh, my eye! Oh, my God!
怎么搞的？一定是玻璃碎片 Hell, It must have been a glass fragment.
-干 -我的天啊！ - Oh, fuck. - Oh, my God.
-这不是我的错 -的确不是你的错 - That wasn't my fault. - No. It was not.
我不是故意… I didn't mean to...
是我闪开了 对不起 I got out of the way. I'm sorry.
各位 我是要丢他 不是那个女的 I was aiming for him, not her, everybody.
我只是…我闪开了 I just... I just got out of the way.
你在用手机拍吗？ Are you filming this with your phone
你…你在拍吗？ Are you filming this
你已经上传了吗？我已经毁了吗？ Did you send it in already Is the damage done
路易斯…靠！ Louis, shit.
快打给公关公司 Call Publicity.
我们又闹出丑闻了 干 We've got another fucking scandal on our hands.
没有啦 她没事的 No. She's fine. She...
这只是意外 It was an accident.
刚刚所有被我臭干的剧组人员 All you crew members I just talked shit about,
我想到了 I have an idea.
你们每个人好好想想 How about if every one of you
要是你们人生中的某一刻 had just a moment of your
虽然你不希望别人看到 但是却流出去了 life that you didn't want anyone to see,
有谁知道这是什么感觉？ and then it's out there. Does anyone know what that's like
因为在你同意接这个烂工作时 Because when you sign up for this fucking job,
你只要把腿打开一点 说：“没错 you just have to spread them wider and say, "That's right.
我现在就等于在 人生的妇产科手术台上 I'm on the fucking gynecological table of life.
尽量看我的臭屄吧” Look fucking down my goddamn shaft.
尽量看 最好拿手电筒照下去 Look at it. Shine your fucking light in there."
我们到外面走走 深呼吸 Well, let's walk outside, take a breath.
他们去讨论她还能不能工作 They'll figure out if she can keep working.
我们在这段时间讨论一下… And in the meantime, why don't we talk
其他事情吧？ about anything else
靠！ Shit.
干！通通去死！ Fuck, God damn it.
干！ Fuck,
干！ fuck, fu...
五年前那件惊天动地的丑闻 That infamous incident from five years ago,
终结了黑糖白兰咖的演艺事业高峰 signaled the end of Candy Black's stellar career.
这位好莱坞的喜剧天后 今天又跌到新谷底 And today, Hollywood's class clown has fallen to a new low.
对 白兰咖小姐遭到起诉 Yeah. Miss Black has been on trial
起因是六项蓄意漏报 联邦所得税的罪名 for six counts of willfully failing to file federal income tax returns
总金额高达630万美元 for amounts totaling $6.3 million.
让她形象彻底崩坏 It's been a stunning fall from grace
原本是史上数一数二的女性喜剧明星 for one of the most successful female comedy stars of all time.
当然 原本她深受观众喜爱 Of course, beloved by audiences.
但是黑糖在片场暴走后 演艺事业也跟着一泻千里 But Candy's career took a nose dive after her onset meltdown.
现在成为好莱坞最会神隐的名人 She's become one of Hollywood's most famous recluses,
躲在她的长岛豪宅内 hiding out in her Long Island estate,
和霍华休斯以及葛丽泰嘉宝齐名 rivaling Howard Hughes and Greta Garbo
都拒绝回到镁光灯下 for her reluctance to step back into the limelight.
黑糖白兰咖今天并未出庭 Candy Black did not appear in court today.
事实上 她过去五年来 完全没有 And in fact, she has not been seen in public at all
公开露面过 for the last five years.
她的律师宣称她因为酒醉而无法报税 Her attorney's claim she was too drunk to file her taxes.
所以法官判她进勒戒所90天 So a judge has sentenced her to 90 days in rehab.
接下来 我们请到知名调酒师 Coming up next, we have a top mixologist
让我们见识黑糖小姐 最爱的超烈高球威士忌鸡尾酒… to show us Candy's shockingly powerful highball whiskey cocktail.
木工论坛 凯西泰勒
史帝夫葛雷迪
嗨 Hey.
你在做什么？ What you up to
看弱智的网路新闻 I'm watching dumb online news.
那种东西有害身心 全都是垃圾 That stuff's toxic. It's all noise.
对 我知道 你说得对 Yeah, I know. You're right.
我这辈子最明智的决定就是丢掉电视 Getting rid of my TV was the best decision I ever made.
反正我又不看 I never watched it anyway.
我在写完书的初稿以前 也要禁止自己上网 And I banned myself from going online till I finish a first draft of my book.
你的新桌子进度如何？ So, how's the new table coming along
-你用松木吗？ -松木个屁啦 - Use pine - Fuck pine.
我当然是选红桧 I chose cedar, obviously.
桌脚有用锉刀锉过吗？ Did you use a rasp on the legs
么有 No.
我用整形锉和几种匙状刀 A riffler and some spoons blades.
真希望现在跟你在一起 I wish I was with you right now.
这样就可以看那张桌子到底有多牢 We could see just how sturdy that table really is.
对啊 Yeah.
我也是 Me, too.
我有件事… Look, uh, there's something
想要跟你说 I need to talk to you about.
好啊 Okay.
现在的状况… Things are just pretty crazy right now
我的人生现在乱成一团 而且…
我可能没办法… and I might not be able to...
我应该会… I don't think
有好几个月没办法跟你讲话 I'm gonna be able to talk to you for a couple months.
我…好几个月？ A couple of months
最多两、三个月 Two or three at the most.
为什么？你要去哪里？ 为什么不能打电话？ Wait, why Where are you going Why can't we talk on the phone
我不能告诉你 I can't tell you,
不过这件事结束后 but, um, after this hiatus,
我想要再续前缘 然后… I just want to pick up right where we left off. And, um...
我只是想让你知道 I just need you to know how important
这段关系对我来说有多重要 this relationship is to me.
什么关系？我们还没见过面 What relationship We've never even met.
现在你却告诉我要离开 而且你一点办法都没有？ And now you're telling me you have to go away and there's nothing you can do about it
其实 我觉得… Look, I think...
好 我不知道你干嘛这样 Okay. Well, I don't know why you're doing this.
我以为我们总算有点进展 可是… I felt like we were finally getting somewhere, but... whatever.
随便啦 反正再见了 Anyway, I gotta go.
我宁愿演戏
喂 你不能停这里睡在车上 Hey, can't sleep in your car around here.
对 当然不行 我… No, of course not.
我不是睡在车上 我… I wasn't sleeping in my car.I...
我只是停在路边补眠而已 I just pulled over for a little power nap. That's all.
好 小姐 Sure, lady.
你必须把车开走 再过十分钟就要扫街 Gotta move your car along.Street cleaning starts in ten minutes.
-喂 -喂 路易斯 - Hey. - Hey, Louis,
我要你帮个忙 I need a favor.
我刚好要打给你 I was just about to call you.
我在想新闻声明稿要写什么 类似… I was thinking for the press statement, something akin to,
“我很高兴能骗过联邦政府 "I'm ecstatic to have defrauded the federal government,
我很希望自己能嗑够多的药 and I'm looking forward to doing enough drugs
把查理辛和他的赞助商杀掉” to kill Charlie Sheen and his sponsor."
-随便啦 -大姐 我开玩笑的啦 - Whatever. - Buddy, I'm joking.
我不必告诉你 I don't have to tell you that
我其实是在开玩笑吧？ I don't have to tell you that I'm joking.
我要正式声明 Look, I wanna go on record here and let it be known
我知道我们已经很久没讲话了 that I know we haven't talked in bit,
我对两人合作关系变成如此深表遗憾 but I'm sorry about the way things ended up with us.
你那时很混蛋 我也没有尽全力… Uh, you were an asshole. I wasn't at my best.
所以我们天生一对 继续合作吧 And that's why we're good together.
-三一经纪公司要找你回去 -路易斯… -So let's do more of it. Trilogy Artistic wants you back. -Louis, Louis...
也许去勒戒是件好事 你知道吗？ And maybe rehab is a good thing.
这就像法官强迫你放假 You know It's like a judge-mandated vacation
等你出来 就跟大众说谎 where you come back, lie to the public.
然后我们他妈的继续骗观众掏钱 Then we go back to fucking them straight in their wallets.
路易斯 Louis,
你听好 我要找某个人的联络电话 listen, I need some contact information.
好吗？我以前的合作对象 Okay Someone I used to work with.
你还记得我的灯光替身 宝拉… Do you remember my stand-in, Paula...
我忘了姓什么 something
记得提醒导演 Look, remind the director,
我的右手手腕以下被炸掉 左手手肘以下被炸掉 the right one blows at the wrist and the left one blows off at the elbow.
好 Okay.
他们在等你了 They're ready for you.
嗨 泰瑞 Hi, Terry.
今天有试镜机会吗？ Are there, um, any auditions available today
现在灯光替身还可以试镜啊 Oh, they're auditioning stand-ins now.
有几个临时演员的需求 I've got a few inquiries for background stuff.
喔 我不当临演 Oh, I don't do extra work.
为什么？你以为你高人一等吗？ Why, you think you're better than us
我以前演过黑糖白兰咖当主角的戏 You know, one time, doing a Candy Black vehicle,
这个灯光替身小姐 甚至不跟我们一起吃饭 and this one, little miss stand-in,doesn't even join us for lunch.
她没有自己的拖车 Has no trailer, just sits
只是坐在角落吃墨西哥卷饼 in the corner, eating a burrito.
好样的 Nice.
-宝拉？ -什么事？ - Uh, Paula - What is it
三一经纪公司的路易斯寄电邮给你 There's another e-mail here from Lewis at Trilogy.
他们要找人演黑糖白兰咖 They need someone to play Candy Black in a reenactment.
他们要你到制片的家 And they want you to go to the producer's house
参加试镜 for an audition...
马上要 right away.
-他们要我？ -对 - They want me - Yeah.
我的天啊 太棒了！ Wow. Oh, my God.That's amazing.
宝拉要出运了 Everything's coming up Paula.
嗨 Hey.
我的天啊！ Oh, my God.
抱歉 我得说谎才能骗你来这里 Sorry. I had to lie to get you to come out here.
我刚开始根本认不得你 I didn't recognize you at first.
我已经没去找染发师了 Well, I stopped going to my colorist,
我从那时起也不照镜子了 around the same time I stopped looking in the mirror
而且没离开家过 and leaving the house.
来吧 Come on in.
我想灯光替身的工作大概也没了 I guess the stand-in work's kinda dried up.
-不好意思 -没关系 - Sorry about that. - Oh, no problem.
-要来一杯吗？ -好啊 - Want a drink - Sure.
你这些日子都怎么过活？ So, what are you doing for a living these days
其实我在老人院上班 Well, actually I'm working in a nursing home.
那一定很有成就感 Oh, that must be very rewarding.
那要看你对清理大便的感觉而定 Well, it depends on how you feel about cleaning up human shit.
其实工作不错 但是我被减薪 It's not bad actually, but they cut my paycheck.
所以积欠房租 房东又很强硬 So, I fell behind on my rent,and my landlord's kind of a hard-ass,
所以我被赶出家门… and I lost my apartment.
现在住在车上 So, I'm sort of living in my car.
靠 对不起 Oh, shit. I'm sorry.
没关系 不必为我难过 No, don't feel bad for me.
我才为你感到难过呢 那个判决太扯了 I feel bad for you, with that insane verdict.
我知道 我没有准时报税 I know, I didn't get my tax forms in on time.
干 很了不起啊？ So fucking what The IRS
国税局会买不起新的咖啡机吗？ isn't going to get a new coffee machine.
对啊 谁在乎你是不是偶尔喝喝酒？ Exactly. And who cares if you have a drink now and again
我现在已经不跑趴了 I don't even party anymore.
只是我乱搞太久 没人在乎了 It's just I was so messed up for so long, no one cares.
你不该去勒戒所的 Well, you shouldn't have to go to rehab.
我同意 Oh, I agree.
但可惜我非去不可 But unfortunately I do.
除非有人代替我去 Unless someone else goes in my place.
什么意思？ How do you mean
如果有人长得很像我 Someone who looks a lot like me.
什么？ What
我说我想找你演个角色时 并不是随便乱讲的 When I said I had you in mind for a part,I wasn't bullshitting.
我就是那个角色 来试镜的只有你 I'm the part.And you're the only one auditioning.
就把这个当作 勒戒所电影的灯光替身工作 Think of it like a stand-in job for a rehab movie.
只是没有摄影机 也没有电影 Except there's no cameras and no movie.
我的天啊！ Oh, my God.
这个嘛… I mean,
这个恐怕… that would be...
这样应该是重罪吧？ could be highly illegal.
严格说来是 Technically.
你真的觉得我们不会被抓吗？ Do you actually think we could get away with it
这些年来没人看过我 No one's seen my face in years,
我也可能去整型 and I could have had work done.
你的脸一定能以假乱真 Your face is as good as mine.
我也想自己去 但是有个人… I'd do it myself, but there's someone...
有件事… there's something
非常重要 我一定得处理 而且… very important that I have to take care of.
我也很想给你薪水 但我现在没钱了 And I'd offer to pay you money,but I'm kinda broke right now.
如果我答应 可以回到以前的样子 If I did it, could we go back to the way things were
让我再当你的灯光替身吗？ and I could be your stand-in again
不要 我不想再演戏了 Hell no. I'm through with acting.
为什么？你最会演戏了 Why You're the best.
最会演戏？ The best
最会被梯子和西瓜打到脸吗？ At being hit in the face by ladders and watermelons
你是喜剧天后 You're the queen of comedy.
你是黑糖白兰咖 You're Candy Black.
现在不是了 Not anymore.
我不想当演员了 I don't want to be an actress.
而且我他妈的一点都不想出名 And I sure as fuck don't want to be famous.
变成名人就像坐在跑车后座 Being famous is like being in the back of a sports car,
被一堆混蛋开着到处跑 driven by a bunch of dicks.
我根本就走错行了 My whole career was a mistake.
我一开始之所以演戏 I got my first acting job
是因为我在一部烂喜剧的片场当木工 because I was working as a carpenter on some awful comedy.
本来在做特技要用的桌子 有一天女主角没有出现 I was rigging stunt tables.And one day the lead actress just never showed up.
结果发现她嗑药过头死了 It turned out she died, an overdose.That should've been a warning.
反正他们需要有人演被打昏的样子 Anyway, they needed someone to get planked.
我就说：“好 我来演” And I said, "Sure, I'll do it."
反正这种鬼戏我演腻了 Anyway I'm sick of that shit.
不像你 你一直都喜欢去片场 Unlike you. You always loved being on a film set.
对啊 没错 Yes, I did.
这样吧 我去 Listen. I'll do it.
我帮你去勒戒所 I'll do the rehab thing.
真的？ Yeah
太好了 Amazing.
但我有一个条件 But my price is, when I get out,
等我出来后 你要接戏约 you take an acting job and
让我当你的灯光替身 make me your stand-in.
一言为定？ Deal
一言为定 Deal.
-黑糖！ -嗨 黑糖！ -Candy! -Hi, Candy!
黑糖！ Candy
拜托 黑糖 让我们拍张照！ Come on, Candy, give us a picture.
所以… So, um,
结果我不必离开 I don't have to go away after all.
我真是如释重负 I'm... I'm so relieved.
太好了 That's amazing.
我很高兴还能讲电话 I'm happy we still get to talk.
所以 So,
你的书写得怎么样？ how's your book coming along
我已经放弃在家写书了 I've given up trying to write in my apartment.
没办法专心 It's too distracting.
我发现附近有家酒吧没有无线网路 I found this bar around the corner that doesn't have Wi-Fi.
布鲁克林区的这家酒吧 没有一堆带电脑的文青 So it's the one bar in Brooklyn not full of hipsters with laptops.
不过我看到有人带打字机 Though I did see one with a typewriter.
好想拜读喔 Well, I can't wait to read it.
我一直在看你推荐的夏克教派书籍 I've been reading that Shaker book you recommended.
非常欣赏他们自给自足的生活方式 I just love how self-sufficient they were.
例如… It's, like,
自己种菜… they grow their own food
自己建造… and made their own
房子和家具 buildings and furniture.
这都是我的梦想 That's my dream, is just to get off the grid
回归原始生活 搬到小镇去 and move to a small town.
那么 Well,
干 我们就这么做吧 let's just fucking do it, then.
-真的？ -真的 - Yeah - Yeah.
你听过喜乐山吗？ Yeah. Have you heard about Pleasant Hill
那里有很大的夏克教屯垦区 It's one of the biggest Shaker settlements.
我们可以开一间家具行 We can open up a furniture store
店铺上面弄个漂亮的家 and have a cute little apartment above it.
对啊 那边也有很棒的红桧和枫树 Yeah. Yeah. And they've got some amazing cedar and maple trees up there.
我正在看我的熊爸爸椅子 I'm looking at my Papa Bear chair right now.
我们的熊爸爸椅子 Our Papa Bear chair.
我在幻想你 Thinking about you carving a love seat
用上好的红桧刻出一个双人椅 out of a beautiful piece of cedar.
你讲木工的方式好性感 我要硬了 Your sexy wood talk is giving me wood.
真的？ Oh, really
不过我们在私奔前最好先见一下面 Although we should probably meet face to face before we run off together.
各位准备开会了吗？ Guys, are we ready to start the meeting
健康勒戒中心
黑糖 Candy,
你要先说出个人经历吗？ would you like to kick off the sharing
我可以不说吗？ Would you mind if I didn't
也许你可以告诉大家自己的低潮 Perhaps you could tell us all about your rock bottom.
我没有什么低潮 Well, I haven't really had a rock bottom.
所以其他成员有低潮的话可以先说 So, maybe someone else in the group who has should share...
黑糖 你必须面对现实 Candy, it's important to face the facts
我们就是因为有病才会铸下大错 that our disease causes us to make some terrible mistakes.
就像你拍的那部大烂片 Yeah, like that piece of shit movie you made
有个女生一嗑药就会有超能力？ about the girl who gets super strength when she gets high.
对不起 那部电影叫《皮皮辫子妹》 Excuse me, it was called Pippi Bongstocking,
而且那不是烂片 是部好片 and it wasn't a piece of shit. It was good.
她吃了饼干后把房子吃掉 他妈的真白痴 She got the munchies and she ate a whole building.It was fucking stupid.
她吃的是姜饼屋 而且他妈的真好笑 It was a gingerbread house, and it was fucking hilarious.
各位 可以把重点放在戒酒吗？ People, could we bring the focus back to recovery, please
谢谢 Thank you.
这件事一定让你这个好莱坞巨星觉醒 This must be a real wake-up call for you,a big Hollywood hotshot.
对啊 我从来没擦过桌子 真是大开眼界 Yeah. I've never cleaned a table before.It's a real eye opener.
对啊 大家都吓到了 Everybody's freaking out,
我说：“大家冷静一点 她只是一个女人” and I'm just, like, "You guys, calm down.She's just, like, a lady.
这个女人也一样每天都会… A lady who takes a dump.
大便 Every day."
我可能看过一部你的早期电影 I might've seen maybe one of your early movies,
但是我没看过任何续集 but I never saw any of the sequels,
我也绝对没看过 《浮华世界》的那篇专访 and I definitely never read that Vanity Fair profile piece about you.
我不想在大家面前提这件事 Um, I didn't want to mention this in front of everybody,
不过我是导演芭芭拉考克斯的助理 but I'm Barbara Cox's assistant. The director.
芭芭拉！我还记得 Oh, Barbara. Yes, of course.
她一直都对我很好 She's always been very nice to me.
我的天啊 她人很好 Oh, my gosh. She's the best.
其实她花钱叫我来勒戒 She's actually paying for me to be here right now.
是因为法官判决要她勒戒 所以你代替她来吗？ Is it because she got sentenced to rehab and you took her place
什么？不是啦 这也太扯了吧？ What No, girl, that is crazy.
我几个星期前精神崩溃 I kinda had a breakdown a couple of weeks ago.
我告诉你一个秘诀 You know what Here's a tip.
吩坦尼、苯甲胺和海洛因不能混吃 Don't mix Fentanyl, bennies and heroin.
有人跟你讲过吗？ Did anyone ever tell you that
没有 No.
我知道你不可以跟外界联络 Look, I know you're not supposed to have contact with the outside,
但是芭芭拉传简讯跟我提到你 but Barbara messaged me about you.
她想知道你愿不愿意客串 She wants to know if you're up for doing
《跃马嘻哈道》重拍版 a cameo in the Saddle Up reboot.
真的吗？ Really
唯一的问题是再过几个星期就要开镜 The only thing is,is that it films in a couple of weeks,
我觉得你可能还会在这里 and I feel like you're still gonna be in here.
靠！ Oh, shit.
其实没什么关系 Well, listen, not a big deal.
听我这个勒戒游戏老司机 操他妈的好建议 Take it from an old pro in the rehab motherfucking game.
如果你能说服拿本子做纪录的小姐 If you can convince the ladies with the clipboards
让她们相信你真心想勒戒 that you are serious about your road to recovery,
她们就会让你早点出去 they'll send you home early.
好 你告诉芭芭拉我愿意 Okay. Would you tell Barbara I'm up for it
但是我有一个条件 But I have one condition.
妹子 你就说吧！ Girl, name it.
你还记得我以前的灯光替身吗？ Do you remember my old stand-in
天啊 记得 我怎么可能忘记她？ Oh, my God. Yes. How can I forget her
她真他妈的废人一个 She's such a fucking loser.
好 Okay,
我的名字是黑糖 我酗酒 my name is Candy, and I am an alcoholic.
我的问题在于我喜欢喝酒 And my story is that I love drinking booze.
我超爱喝酒 I love drinking booze.
其实我最喜欢的饮料就是酒 In fact, it's my favorite thing to drink.
我喝的酒只要够多 就会开始做坏事 And when I've drunk enough booze,I do terrible things,
像是跌倒 或者… like falling over.Or I'll drink
继续喝酒 然后说难听的话 more and then say terrible things,
例如“滚开”或其他的话 还有… like "get lost" or other things.
我有时会尿在自己身上 And sometimes I'll pee all over myself and other people.
还有别人身上 And that's who
我就是这种人 I am.
我是个爱喝酒 I am a booze-loving,
又满口脏话的人 foul-mouthed person
我常常说错话、做错事… who says and does wrong things and, uh, pees on themselves
然后尿在大家身上 又不一定清干净 and doesn't always clean it up.
谢谢黑糖 Thank you, Candy.
我…我知道这一定很难启齿 非常好 I know that was hard for you.Well done.
非常好 Well done.
你真的有进步了 You've really turned a corner.
下一个换谁？ Who's ready to share next
三周后
你最好等狗仔队离开再走 You should probably stay until the bottom-feeders leave.
真的可以吗？ Really
太谢谢你了 That would be amazing.
不客气 Sure.
随便挑一间客房吧 我大概有13间吧 Pick a guest room. I've got, like, 13.
所以… So,
我在勒戒所碰到一件超棒的事情 the most incredible thing happened at rehab.
有人要给你一份戏约 You got a job offer. An acting job.
是吗？ Yeah.
芭芭拉考克斯导演亲自要你演出 The director Barbara Cox asked for you personally,
他们还需要一个灯光替身 and they need a stand-in.
所以你现在就能复出了 So your comeback starts now.
他们星期五晚上就要你到片场 They want you on set Friday night.
办不到 I can't do it.
-什么？ -我不能拍那部片 -What -I can't do the film.
我们说好的 We had a deal.
我不能拍那部电影 I'm not doing the film
因为我那天晚上有很重要的事要做 because I have something really important that night.
-我要约会 -跟谁？ -A date. -With who
一个男的 史帝夫 A guy. Steve.
他不知道我是女演员黑糖 And he doesn't know I'm Candy, the actress.
只以为我是木工凯西 He thinks I'm Kathy, the carpenter.
-什么？ -说来话长 - The what - It's a long story.
我在专为木工架设的网站上开了帐号 I set up a profile on this website for woodworkers.
“木工论坛” Carpentry Talk.
让我能好好放松 摆脱… It was a nice vacation from...
以前的电影明星生活 ...the old movie star, Missy.
我觉得… I felt like...
我当凯西泰勒这个木工比较自在 I feel like I'm more myself as Kathy Tyler, carpenter,
当黑糖白兰咖这个混蛋很不开心 than I ever did as Candy Black, asshole.
凯西泰勒？ Kathy Tyler
那是我的真名 It's my real name.
黑糖白兰咖是路易斯想的艺名 Louis came up with Candy Black.
反正我在这个网站上认识史帝夫 Anyway, I met Steve on this website.
他是第一个… He's the first guy
还没看到我的财产和电影广告 that's ever not seen dollar signs and billboards
就看到我真实面的男人 before they actually see me.
我们一天到晚都在聊家具 All we do is talk about furniture.
反正我们说要见面讲了好几个月 Anyway, we've been talking about meeting up for months,
星期五晚上是我们认识一周年纪念 and Friday night is our anniversary.
这个 Well,
为什么不跟他说实话？ why don't you just tell him the truth
这样你就可以改时间了 And then you could reschedule.
跟他说我每天骗他 骗了整整一年？ Tell him I've been lying to him every day for a year
第一次约会怎么可以这样？ I can't do that on our first date.
他可能会很高兴 It probably would make him happy.
这就像你以为自己买的是国产小车 It's like buying what you think is a Ford Focus
结果发现买到的是玛莎拉蒂 and then finding out it's a Maserati.
我不能为了让你找回工作 就毁了这段得来不易的感情 I can't ruin this relationship so you can get your old job back.
我为了你去勒戒所 我们说好的 I went to rehab for you. We had a deal.
我知道 对不起 I know. I'm sorry.
我想过以前的生活 I want my old life back.
对不起 我知道这样很烂 我只是… Look. I'm sorry. I know this is really shitty.I just...
所以… So,
你有什么人生计划？ what is your master plan
你打算当这个木工凯西多久？ How long are you going to be Kathy the carpenter
要多久就多久 As long as I want.
你不想让史帝夫知道你的真实身分？ I mean, don't you want Steve to know who you really are
凯西就是我的真实身分 Kathy is who I really am.
黑糖要寿终正寝了 RIP, Candy.
凯西万岁 Long live Kathy.
木工论坛
史帝夫葛雷迪
登出
登入
登入…失败
讯息纪录
我好想拜读你的大作
开始有压力了
我绝对不会听腻夏克教的事
我想开始写部落格
密码：夏克教徒让我快乐
登入…失败
密码：夏克教徒让我翘
登入…失败
密码：夏克教徒让我硬
登入…成功
给凯西泰勒的新讯息 对不起 我本来想当面说…
嗨 Hey.
哇 你好漂亮 Wow, you look great.
怎么了？ What's the matter
是史帝夫写的 It's from Steve.
他写什么？ What does it say
“对不起 我本来想当面说 "I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you in person,
但是这样比较简单 but it's simpler this way.
其实我已经结婚了 我老婆… The truth is, I'm married and my wife...
发现我们的事 ...found out about us.
虽然我爱你 但是我… Even though I love you,
更爱她 I love her more.
我知道这样讲没有道理 I know that doesn't make sense right now.
但是我再也不能见你 跟你讲话或发讯息给你了 I can't see you or speak to you or message you anymore.
她… She's
已经看过我们的留言 reading all my messages.
所以请不要跟我联络 So please don't try to contact me.
我真的很抱歉 认识你… So sorry. It was great getting to know you."
是一件很幸福的事” It's a very happy thing. "
天啊 太可怕了 我好替你难过 Oh, sweetie. That's terrible. I'm so sorry.
不过至少他写信给你 At least he bothered
而且内容丰富 言情并茂 to write you something long and eloquent and beautifully written.
我就知道不可能这么好 I knew it was too good to be true.
我就知道 I knew it.
天啊 原来他早就结婚了？ Gosh, married this whole time.
但他却从来没提过？ And he never mentioned it
真是满口谎言的烂人 What a lying sack of shit.
也许工作能让你觉得好一点 Well, maybe work will make you feel better.
喂？ Hello
抱歉 我非打给你不可 Sorry. I had to call you.
我到了 I'm here.
我知道你很害怕 Uh, I know you're scared. I'm scared, too.
我也很怕 但是如果你不来酒吧见我 But if you don't come meet me at this bar,
我就每个整点都打电话 直到你出现为止 I'm gonna call you every hour on the hour until you show up.
我们今晚非当面讲清楚不可 We have to talk in person tonight.
-祝你约会愉快 -我没有要约会 -Have fun on your date. -Oh, it's not a date.
我是要叫人滚蛋的 I'm telling someone to get lost.
凯西？ Kathy
史帝夫？ Steve
你看起来就很紧张的样子 所以我猜一定是你 You look about as nervous as I feel.So I figured it must be you.
嗨 Hi. Hi.
我跟自己打赌 看你会不会过来… Um, you know, I made a bet with myself over whether or not you'd make it.
看来我输了 也可以说赢了 就看你用哪个角度来看 And it looks like I lost.Or won, depending on how you look at it.
希望你没有失望 因为我长得不像椅子 I hope you're not disappointed that I don't look like a chair.
-没有 -好 - No, no. - Okay.
你挺帅的 You look great.
谢谢 你也很美 Thanks. You, too.
至少我看到的部分很美 What I can see of you.
凯西 Kathy.
嗨！ Hello.
你感冒了吗？ Do you have a cold
因为你的声音…听起来好像… 'Cause your voice...You sound like...
不 这就是我 No, this is me.
真正的我 This is the real me.
所以… So...
你过得怎么样？ How's life.
自从上次讲话过后 我的书就没有多少进度 Oh, uh, well...I haven't made much progress on my book,um, since last we spoke.
我看书也是一样 每次都不专心 Oh, no. I get the same way with books. You just lose the thread.
我连《控制》那本小说都只看一半 I only got halfway through Gone Girl.
挺幽默的 Good one.
书很好看 只是我太忙了 It was good. I just got really busy.
但我无法好好写夏克教派专书的原因 Um, but I...The reason why I haven't been able to focus on writing my Shaker book
是我对今天见面的事太紧张了 is 'cause I've just been so damn nervous about today.
-我也是 -我是说… -Me, too. -I mean,
这一年跟你聊天 对我来说是… this last year talking to you has been one of the most wonderful,
最快乐、最刺激 对我本身改变也最大的过程 intense, life-changing experiences I've ever had.
我们说了很多私密的事情 有的东西我从来没跟别人讲过 We shared so many details about ourselves.Things I've never even told anybody.
我真的…很希望这种关系… And I just... I needed this to be real.
是真的 It is real,
这是真的吧？ right
对 Yes,
是真的 百分之百是真的 it is real.It is totally real.
凯西 我总算看到你的脸了 It's great to finally see your face, Kathy.
我要告诉你一件很重要的事情 There's something really important I need to tell you.
什么事？ Yeah
我改手机电话号码了 I changed my cell phone number.
你去哪里了？ Where have you been
帮你买披萨 我想让你高兴一点 Getting you a pizza. I thought it might cheer you up.
我他妈真讨厌你乐天知命的样子 Ugh. You're awfully fucking chipper.
这本书应该很好看 Oh, this is supposed to be amazing.
-真的？ -夏克教风格家具现在超红的 -Yeah -Shaker furniture is so hot right now.
可以借我看吗？ Do you mind if I borrow it
是路易斯打的 It's Louis.
这混蛋这么晚打来干嘛？ Why is that asshole calling so late
一定是要事 I bet it's important.
你如果这么有兴趣 If you're so fucking interested in it,
就接啊 you answer it.
嗨 路易斯 Hi, Louis.
嗨 《今日节目》要做一对一专访 Hey.So, The Today Show wants a one-on-one interview.
好 Oh, um, okay.
战士养生水 And Warrior Water,
这个新推出的瓶装水品牌 大概要跟其他瓶装水对打 which is this new water that I guess wants to fight other waters,
只要你在摄影机前喝他们的水 他们就愿意出一大笔钱 has offered you a bunch of money just to drink the water on camera.
我说的可是几十万美元酬劳 要吗？ I'm talking low- to mid-six figures.What do you say
好 麻烦…这… Okay, wait, just...
-请等一下 -好 -hold on a moment. -Sure.
要等多久都可以 Take all the time you need.
我知道你不想拍那部电影 Look, I know you didn't want to do that movie,
但这不是演戏 but this isn't acting.
-你只是扮演你自己 -不要 -This is just you being you. -No.
你已经跟那么出轨的废物混蛋分手 Now that it's over with that worthless cheating asshole,
所以没什么好顾忌的 you have nothing to lose.
那如果我什么都懒得管呢？ How about the fact that I don't give a shit
你不能一直待在这里废下去 Well, you can't just stay here and rot.
你必须出去振作了 You have to get back out there.
这个时代的名人只要做错事 And these days, an interview is what you do
就要接受媒体访问 when you're famous and you've done something wrong.
跟全国民众道歉 You make penance with the nation.
没错 Exactly.
去他妈的 Fuck that.
我们当初说好的 We had a deal.
如果你不帮我要回以前的工作 And if you're not gonna get me my old job back,
那就该给我一半的通告费 then you should give me half the appearance fee.
好 Okay.
我接受专访 I'll do the interview.
非常好 Good.
但是我不复出 But no comeback.
我接受访问只是为了钱 I'm doing this for the cash.
还清我欠你的钱 To pay you what I owe you
以后你就他妈的给我滚 and then you can go fuck yourself.
-路易斯 我们… -什么事？ - Louis, we're... - Yes.
-我愿意 -真的？ -I'm in. - Yeah
复出的感觉真好 It's great to be back.
你复出的感觉真好 Oh, it is good to have you back.
路易斯 谢谢你相信我 Thank you, Louis, for believing in me.
删除联络资料
黑糖！ Candy.
车子来了 The car's here.
该去摄影棚了 It's time to go to the studio.
你要错过专访了 这件事很重要 You're gonna miss the interview. This is important.
那又怎么样？ So what I don't give
反正我也不想接受那个狗屁专访 a shit about that dumb interview anyway.
你应该接受的！ Well, you should!
你只要说“对不起”三个字就好 All you have to do is say the word "sorry."
这又不是脑部手术 你有什么毛病？ It's not brain surgery! What is wrong with you
如果这么简单 你他妈的就去啊 If it's so easy, you go fucking do it.
好 黑糖 我要代表你的所有影迷 Well, Candy on behalf of all of your fans.
向你说声欢迎复出 I'd like to just say welcome back.
复出的感觉真好 It's great to be back.
虽然你已经有很多众所周知的麻烦事 You've had your share of well-publicized troubles.
可是最近的官司一定让你伤透脑筋 But your recent court case must've been very difficult.
黑糖白兰咖老实说
没错 Yes, it was.
这是你的人生低潮还是转捩点？ Was it at a low point or was it a turning point
就很多方面来说 我觉得 You know, in many ways,
这件事可说是塞翁失马 焉知非福 I think it might've been the best thing that could have happened to me.
我觉得去勒戒所 And I think that going to rehab
让我的人生彻底改变 was a real life-changing experience.
请别见怪 我想问你的帽子和墨镜 I hope you don't mind my asking you...the hat and the glasses.
看起来你好像想遮掩什么 It does look like you're trying to hide something.
我在自己的脸部动了一点… Well, I've had some cosmetic surgery in my,
整容手术 um, facial area.
可以请你把… Would you be comfortable
帽子和墨镜拿下来吗？ taking off the hat and glasses
你这样很漂亮啊 Well, you look great.
拿下来也没关系吧？ That wasn't so bad, was it
如果可以的话 我要请一个 你可能认识的人出场 If you don't mind. I'd like to bring out someone that you know.
不过你好几年没跟她说过话了 You haven't spoken to her in several years, though.
她就是你在片场暴走时打伤的女演员 This is the actress you struck during your onset meltdown.
珍娜琼斯 对 Jenna Jones. Yes,
我一直想找机会跟她说话 I've been looking forward to speaking with her.
-嗨 莎凡娜 -嗨 - Hi, Savannah. - Hi.
-你好 -嗨 - Hello. - Hi.
你只透过律师跟我联络过 You've only ever communicated with me through your attorney.
所以我想跟你当面说 So I wanted to talk to you in person.
黑糖 你以未公开的金额和珍娜和解 Candy, you settled Jenna's suit for an undisclosed amount.
金额是30万美金 It was $300,000.
现在公开了 Undisclosed until now.
这个眼罩是医生规定要戴的 The eye patch. It's medically prescribed.
不是在演《神鬼奇航》 It's not Pirates of the Caribbean,
所以严重影响到我的试镜机会 and it has seriously impacted my castability.
珍娜 你希望黑糖今天跟你说什么？ Jenna, is there anything you would like to hear from Candy today
好 我希望她向我道歉 Yes. I want to hear her say she's sorry.
我不希望听到她说给钱就没关系 I don't want to hear her say that the payout somehow makes it okay.
或者她有什么病 Or that she's got some disease that makes her drink
所以害她酗酒做出坏事 and do terrible things.
你说得没错 我应该向你道歉 You're right. I owe you an apology,
对于我用烟灰缸打伤你这件事 我深深感到抱歉 and I am very sorry for hurting you with that ashtray.
我也要向所有感到失望的人道歉 And that same thing goes to everyone else I've let down,
包括和我一起演戏的其他演员 还有灯光替身以及我的影迷 including my fellow actors and stand-in and my fans who believed in me,
谢谢你们相信我 就算我已经不相信自己 even when I didn't believe in myself.
黑糖白兰咖已经洗心革面了吗？ Wow. Is this a whole new Candy Black we're seeing
希望如此 I sure hope so.
大姐 太好了 Buddy. That was fantastic. I love it.
我超爱你的笑容和打扮的 I love the smile. The whole face.
-谢谢你 -不客气 - Thank you so much. - Don't worry about it.
我收到好多人来敲通告 And I'm getting a lot of appearance requests.
颁奖典礼、影迷大会 Award ceremonies, a fan convention.
动漫展等级的有趣通告 I mean Comic-Con-level, fun, fun stuff.
民众都喜欢浪子回头的故事 People love a redemption story.
你的座车应该马上就到了 Oh, your car should be here any minute.
我可不可以… Do you mind if, um,
跟你来张自拍？ if I get a selfie.
我是公关的赛门 我老板超爱自拍的 I'm Simon. My boss at the PR firm, he'll love it.
而且自拍照能吸引更多客户 And he will get us more clients, you know
-好啊 -真的？ - Sure. - Yeah Oh.
我很希望能在照片上标注你 I would really love to tag you in it.
可是我发现你没有用社群媒体 Um, but I realized that you're not on social media.
对啊 没有 Yeah, no.
我真的建议你开个帐号 因为… You should definitely consider it.'Cause
这种工具能和影迷建立关系 it's a great tool for touching base with your fans.
有一对一互动的感觉 You get that personal connection.
而且如果你太忙 And if you're too busy,
我们公司也可以代为贴文 我们提供全方位服务 对吧？ my agency can always post for you.We're a one-stop shop, right
-真的吗？ -对啊 - Really - Yeah, yeah.
对啊 如果你有推特帐号 一天就会有上百万个粉丝 I mean, if we get you on Twitter,you'll have a million followers overnight.
-不过现在比较多人用IG -因为大家都喜欢你 -Although it's more about Insta right now. -Because people love you. They love you.
他们一直都很爱你 只是… They've never stopped loving you. They...
他们都在等你复出 They're waiting for that comeback.
他们想看你的动态 想看你的照片 They wanna see it on the stories.They wanna see it in the snaps.
你是个大明星 真的 You're a star. You are.
也许我该跟你一起坐车 护送你回家 Hey, maybe I should ride with you to the next spot.I just wanna you get there okay.
好啊 Oh, sure.
今天认识你很开心 It was really nice meeting you.
其实今天的感觉都很好 In fact, this whole day has been wonderful.
这样我就放心了 That is so great to hear.
其实路易斯警告过我 Louis warned me that you weren't
说你很不喜欢接受采访和宣传 但… really into interviews and publicity, but you...
那是以前的我啦 That's the old me.
我希望这样不会冒犯 不过… I hope this isn't inappropriate,but
我希望我们能持续联络下去 it would be amazing to keep this going.
也许一起出来吃个便饭什么的 Maybe over dinner or something. Maybe.
你的提议很有意思 我很乐意接受 It's an interesting offer. I'd be delighted to entertain it.
-黑糖 我喜欢你的新造型 -谢谢 -Hey, Candy, love the new look. -Oh, thank you.
嗨 黑糖 Hey there, Candy.
我希望以后你能注意自己的分寸 In the future,I'd advise you to check your boundaries.
见到你真好 It's great to see you.
我本来想打给你的 所以太好了 I was gonna call you. So this is great.
这也太离谱了 This is nuts.
你想拍电影吗？ Are you looking forward to getting back into making movies
非常期待 I can't wait.
你先进来 我再跟你解释 Listen, come inside and I'll explain everything.
好 我的车在这里 Okay, my car's right here.
我的第一则IG贴文！ My first Instagram.
难怪你从来不邀我过来 No wonder you never invited me over.
作木工的凯西得做一狗票茶几 Kathy the carpenter would have had to build
才买得起这栋房子 a hell of a lot of end tables to afford this place.
我只是希望你能喜欢真正的我… Um, look, I just wanted you to like me for who I am.
你是我第一个 And you're the first guy I've dated
还没看到我的财产和电影广告 就能看到我真实面的男朋友 that hasn't seen dollar signs and billboards before they've seen me.
我知道这不能当作藉口 我也不该说谎骗你 And I know that doesn't excuse what I did and I shouldn't have lied.
对不起 I'm sorry.
我整天都在说对不起 效果挺不错的 I've been saying sorry all day and it's been working out great.
正常情况下是木工伪装成电影明星 Normally, it's the carpenter who pretends to be a movie star,
而不是明星伪装成木工 not the other way around.
这就像你以为自己买的是国产小车 It's like buying what you think is a Ford Focus,
结果发现买到的是玛莎拉蒂 but finding out it's a Maserati
那我得先打开引擎盖看看 I'll need to check under the hood first.
你想进来喝一杯吗？ Would you like to come inside for a drink
好啊 Sounds good.
-其实还是算了吧 -什么？为什么？ - Actually, forget it. - What, why
我忘了家里还有工程在进行 I forgot that I'm doing work inside the house.
还在改建 所以不能进去 对不起 Construction work. So we can't go inside.I'm sorry.
那就来我家吧 Well, let's go to my place.
要不要…你要不要坐我大腿？ Why don't we... Why don't you sit on my lap,
坐我的汉斯华格纳熊爸爸椅子上 on my Hans Wegner Papa Bear chair
你忘了？ You don't remember
我们刚开始电话性爱时用的道具 That's one of our first phone sex sessions.
-把你弄得好兴奋尴尬 -是哦 -It got you all hot and bothered. -Oh, right.
电话性爱 其实啊 The phone sex.You know
我要你忘了那件事 我们从头开始 what I just want to forget about all of that.I wanna start over from scratch.
我真的开始喜欢她了 真的 I really found myself warming to her. I like her.
其实她看起来很漂亮 You know what She looks amazing.
一定是找了很厉害的整型医师 I mean, she must've gone to a really good doctor.
她看起来好漂亮 那个鼻子和牙齿无懈可击 Yeah, she looks so good.And that nose and the veneers are perfection.
我一定要知道那鼻子是谁做的 I need to know who did that nose.
那鼻子一定是杰森戴蒙的杰作 That is definitely a Jason Diamond nose for sure.
不光是外表而已 You know, it's not just physical.
她整个人由内而外散发自信的风采 There's kind of a glow that's emanating from within.
她以前的脾气真的很坏 And I mean, she used to be real nasty.
真有用 Well, it worked.
他们喜欢你的脸 They like your face.
我发现我现在还有推特帐号 I noticed I've got a Twitter account now
是路易斯开设的 希望你别生气 Louis started that. I hope it's okay.
我他妈的才不鸟呢 I could give fucking two shits less.
好 我要汇25万美元到你的户头 All right. I'm gonna transfer 250 grand into your account.
谢谢 Thank you.
你说得没错 You were right.
你帮我做了这么多 我至少该给你这些钱 It's the least I owe you for what you did for me.
你可以离开了 Well, you're free to go.
你做得非常好 Job well done.
路易斯接到很多上节目的通告 Louis is getting a lot of offers for personal appearances.
他想办个道歉巡回之旅 He's talking about an apology tour.
什么？ What
有点像演唱会 你要四处跑 It's a sort of stage show,
到各家电视台表示抱歉 where you go around to different TV stations apologizing.
酬劳非常不错 The fees are pretty great.
只要上节目几个礼拜 Couple of weeks of personal appearances,
你就能把债全部还掉 and you could clear out all your debts.
我可以当你的替身 I could stand-in for you.
收入可以平分 We could split the fees.
只要钱滚滚而来 谁在乎他们看到的是不是真货？ And as long as the money's coming in,who cares if they get the real deal
好啊 就这么办 Sure. Why not
而且你看起来比我还想当黑糖 Besides, you seem to like being Candy a lot more than I ever did.
她也有那种贵族气息 She got a regal quality to her as well.
对啊 就好像… Yes. Like
好莱坞黄金时期的贵妇 例如《彗星美人》里的玛丽莲梦露 classic Hollywood glamour, like Marilyn Monroe in All About Eve.
我要利用这个机会向大家道歉 I would like to take this opportunity to apologize...
我真的很抱歉… I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
我感到最抱歉的就是这一点 Well, that's what I'm most sorry for.
超露骨的道歉表演大会 Whew. Hard-core apology porn.
是不是有人说你 Isn't it true that you've been called
是不负责又自私的左胶？ part of the irresponsible selfish liberal elite
完全正确 One hundred percent.
我真的很希望大众有一天能原谅我 I sincerely hope to one day receive the public's forgiveness,
我真的很抱歉 and I am so sorry.
黑糖白兰咖今晚要来道歉了！ Candy Black is here tonight to apologize.
大家都喜欢别人道歉 对！ Love an apology. Yeah!
下一位来宾是黑糖白兰咖 So, our next guest is Candy Black.
她来向大家道歉 She is here to say she's sorry.
我最难过的是她离开这么久 I'm just sorry she's been gone so long,
我们也很高兴她能复出 and we're so glad she's back.
黑糖 赶快出来吧！ Come on out here, Candy.
除了去睡觉外 你对电视机前的影迷 You have a message for those fans who are at home
还有什么话说？ Besides "Go to bed."
你可以直接对摄影机说 Say it on that camera right over there.
-那一台吗？ -可以 - Right, this one - Sure.
好 各位小姐 记得报税喔 Okay. Girls, do your taxes.
请记得报税 不管你… Please do you taxes. Whatever you do,
各位小姐！ girls.
我要向大家说对不起 And I'm sorry to everyone.
我真的很抱歉 I am very sorry.
谢谢你道歉 黑糖 Well, thank you for that apology, Candy.
如果有更多明星跟你一样 好莱坞一定会越变越好 I think if more stars were like you,Holly wood would be a better place.
欢迎参加缪思奖颁奖典礼
黑糖白兰咖 390万名粉丝
我如果说你一点也没变 Well, I'd say you haven't changed a bit,
绝对是在放狗屁 but that'd be a load of bullshit.
芭芭拉！ Barbara.
你看看你 真是容光焕发 Look at you. You look great.
谢谢 我看到你真的好高兴 Thank you. It's so wonderful to see you.
彼此彼此 其实啊 You, too. You know,
我刚好在拍那部我的助理 I'm actually right in the middle of shooting that movie
提到的那部电影 就是《跃马嘻哈道》重拍版 my assistant told you about.You know, the Saddle Up reboot.
对 她叫英格丽 Oh, yes. Ingrid.
-对 -她现在怎么样？ - Yeah. - How is she doing
很好 我用过最好的助理 Oh, she's great.Greatest assistant I ever had,
尤其现在她没有把药 especially now that she's not tossing the pills back
当作巧克力狂嗑 like they were M&Ms.
客串的那件事我的确应该向你道歉 Hmm. Well, I do owe you an apology about that cameo.
我没办法拍 这本来是个大好机会的 I couldn't do it.And it was an amazing offer.
其实我还是愿意找你 Well, you know, the offer still stands.
-真的？ -真的 - Yeah - Yeah.
我们找过别人接替你 可是… I mean, we replaced you with someone,
说好听点就是效果不好 but it didn't work out, to put it kindly,
片场想要重拍 and the studio wants to reshoot it.
来吧 只要拍一天就好 So come on. It's only gonna be a day's work.
可是… Wow. Just...
我其实…很久没演戏了 You know, I haven't acted in so long.
我觉得我还是上通告就好了吧？ And I thought that I would just stick to personal appearances,
来个道歉巡回之旅 you know, do the apology tour stuff.
每个王八蛋都能当名人 You know, any asshole can be a celebrity.
但你是个演员 而且很有天分 You're an actress, and a gifted one.
别再道歉了 来演戏吧 Stop apologizing, start acting.
谢谢你 芭芭拉 Thank you, Barbara.
对不起 打扰了 可是我不小心听到 Hi. Sorry to disturb you. I couldn't help but overhear,
所以我想说一句 and I just wanted to say
请你接那个角色 I hope you take the role.
我知道这是个重大抉择 但我很希望能看到你复出 I know it's a big choice, but I, for one,would be so honored to see your comeback.
你鼓励了我和我认识的 其他年轻女演员 You're such an inspiration to me and to every other young actress I know.
谢谢 Thank you.
我的目标其实是… My whole goal is really to be someone
-成为… -我说完了 -who... -I'm done.
我们被迫在颁奖典礼枯坐五个小时 They made us sit through five hours of awards
他们才开始上第一道菜 干 before they even start the first fucking course.
你看！ Ta-da.
正统的夏克教风格板条靠背椅 It's an authentic Shaker ladder back chair.
这把椅子很漂亮 It's a really nice chair.
谢谢 Thanks.
所以你今天还打算干嘛？ So, what are your plans for the rest of the day
我想再做件家具 可能做柜子吧 I was thinking about making another piece.A credenza, maybe.
不想再自怨自艾了 I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself.
我现在要面对现实 以后得靠自己 I'm just gonna embrace the fact that I'm on my own
我所谓的亲密关系也结束了 and that my so-called relationship is over.
所以我要回去做 I'm gonna go back to doing
我最擅长的事情：木工 what I do best. Carpentry.
如果能自己做衣橱 谁还需要男人？ Who needs a man when you can build a dresser from scratch
对啊 可是你做得那么辛苦 应该要休息一下 Well, sure, but you deserve a break from all this hard work,
也许你可以自己逛一逛曼哈顿 and maybe it'd be nice to go take a trip into Manhattan
看场舞台剧表演什么的 on your own and see a theater show.
让路上一堆混蛋对我喊那句口头禅？ With every dick-weed on the street shouting my catchphrase at me
谢谢再联络 No, thanks.
喔…我是说你总得离开这个家吧？ Well, I mean,you have to leave the house at some point.
你不可能把自己关在家里 You can't be a total shut-in.
我没有关在家里 我是木工师傅 I'm not a shut-in. I'm a woodworker.
我在自己的工作室很快乐 And I'm happy in my workshop.
只要让我代替你 出门赚钱就好了是吧？ Well, as long as you've got me as your front man paying the bills.
你不喜欢这种做法的话可以随时辞职 Well, if you don't like the arrangement, you can always resign.
省略无聊的满汉大餐 Skip the boring five-course dinners
回去睡在你的车上 and go back to living in your car.
我帮你拿了一杯冰沙 I brought you a smoothie...
向你道歉 毕竟我刚才很可恶 to say I'm sorry for being such an asshole.
如果你想待在家里整天做家具 If you want to stay home and make furniture all day,
那就待在家里整天做家具吧 you should stay home and make furniture all day.
谢谢 Thanks.
对不起 我刚才讲话太没礼貌了… Look, I'm sorry. It was really rude, what I said,
你一直对我很好 and you've been great.
你是我现在最好的朋友 You're basically the best friend I have right now.
敬我的好室友 Here's to you, roomie.
好室友 Roomie.
敬这把夏克教风格椅 To the Shakers.
敬他妈的夏克教风格椅子 To the motherfucking Shakers.
黑糖白兰咖 电影传奇 当代电影奖得主
我的书刚刚写完一半 So, I just passed the halfway mark on my book.
-恭喜 -谢谢 -Congratulations. -Yeah.
你猜今天酒吧的电视在播什么？ And guess what was playing on the TV at the bar today
你演的一部老片 An old movie of yours.
你演这个… You played this
经常摔车的极限单车选手 BMXer who falls off her bike a lot.
《疯狂单车》吗？ Oh. BMX Blackout. Hmm.
其实挺好笑的 Well, it was actually pretty funny.
我笑了出来 虽然 大部分时候都听不到声音 I laughed despite the fact that I couldn't hear much of it.
前几天晚上我们见面时 Look, the other night, when we saw each other.
对于欺骗你的事 我真的很抱歉 I'm so sorry that I deceived you.
-我只是不想失去你 -拜托 -I just didn't want to lose you. -c'mon
别再说了 Look, you can stop.
其实我才应该向你道歉 The truth is, I owe you an apology.
我也有骗你 I lied to you, too.
我其实不叫史帝夫 My name isn't Steve.
我叫赖瑞 It's Larry.
我也不是之前所说的纽约人 And I'm not from New York, like I said.
我来自密西根州的安亚伯 I'm from Ann Arbor, Michigan.
基本上我犯了一个错… Basically, I made a mistake, which, uh...
抱歉 我很久没说过这件事了 sorry, I haven't talked about this in a while.
好 实情是… Um... okay.What happened was,
我朋友杰瑞和我在卡崔娜飓风后 my friend Jerry and I were doing Habitat for Humanity
去纽奥良投入盖房子的慈善活动… in new Orleans after Katrina.And, uh, you know,
我们当时累得半死 需要休息 所以喝得烂醉 we were exhausted.We needed a break. So we got really drunk,
然后凌晨4点在路上闲逛 and we were wandering the streets at 4:00 in the morning,
我突然很想尿尿 所以我就尿了 and suddenly I need to pee really badly.And so
我一回头 发现有个老太太在拍我 I'm peeing, and I turn around,this old lady's taking a photo of me.
她叫警察过来 我因为行为不检被捕 And she calls the cops and I got arrested for disorderly conduct.
后来那张照片在网路上爆红… And the photo ends up going viral
点阅次数大概1800万 and getting, like, 18 million hits.
-只因为你在路上尿尿？ -其实… -For just pissing in the street -Well,
我有一个非常重要的小细节没说 I left out sort of an important little detail.
我当时并不晓得 因为天很黑 而且我醉醺醺的 Um, I didn't realize it at the time because it was dark and I was so drunk,
结果我其实尿在纽奥良市 纳粹大屠杀纪念碑上面 but it turns out that I was pissing on the new Orleans Holocaust Memorial.
-我的天啊！ -对 还有更惨的 - Oh, my God. - Yeah. And it gets worse.
你看一下那张照片 Here, just take a look at the photo.
要找很简单 It's pretty easy to find.
只要搜寻“赖瑞库伯” 就可以找到200万笔结果 Just Google "Larry Cooper"and, like, two million of these things come up.
你尿在一个小朋友身上 You're pissing on a child.
小朋友的雕像 Sculpture of a child.
而且还比了纳粹敬礼手势 And you're making a Nazi salute.
我没有比纳粹敬礼手势 No, I'm not giving a Nazi salute.
那张照片在拍的时候 The photo was taken at the exact moment that I leaned back
我本来手放在墙上 刚好往后仰 from resting my head against the wall.
而且那面墙上还有人名 And the wall has names on it.
对 纳粹大屠杀纪念碑 是用黑色大理石刻的 Yes. Yes. The Holocaust Memorial is constructed from black marble,
乌漆抹黑的几乎看不到 更别提看到上面的字 which is almost impossible to see,let alone read, in the dark.
我有提过天很黑吗？ Did I mention it was dark
我现在想起这张照片了 You know, I do remember this photo now.
你当然看过 每个人都看过 Yeah, of course you've seen it. Everyone has.
我朋友说：“别担心 大家都会忘掉” My friends all said, "Don't worry. Everyone will forget it."
但是没有人忘掉 But they didn't.
我的名字从赖瑞库伯 And my name changed from Larry Cooper
被人改成“朝大屠杀受害男孩 尿尿的纳粹赖瑞” 所以… to Larry the Nazi who pissed on Holocaust babies.So,
我的梦幻工作没了 我去改名 I lost my dream job,changed my name
搬到纽约躲起来 隐藏在人群之中 and moved to New York to disappear,become a face in the crowd.
连女朋友都不交了 I even stopped dating.
其实这件事发生后 我交的第一个女朋友就是你 In fact, the first girlfriend I've had since this all happened is you.
天啊 我… Oh, man. I...
我觉得胸中的大石头放下了 I feel like this huge weight has been lifted.
从现在起 From now on,
我们都要坦白 total honesty.
好吗 黑糖？ Okay, Candy
没问题 Absolutely.
所以我才这么想搬到喜乐山 It's part of the reason why I'm so obsessed about moving to Pleasant Hill.
喜乐山？ Pleasant Hill
对 开一家手工家具行 Yeah, the handmade furniture store.
哦 对 喜乐村 Oh, right. Pleasantville, the
手工家具行 handmade furniture store.
喜乐山啦 Pleasant Hill.
Hmm.
-对 -如果能躲到 -Right. -Just thinking about escaping
这个迷你小镇 to this tiny little town
没人看过那张白痴照片 where nobody's seen the stupid photo.
你可以整天做家具 我可以把书写完 Where you could work on furniture all day,and I could finish my book.
怎么了？ What's the matter
我也想… Oh, it's
只是在这么偏僻的地方 just being out in the middle of nowhere
没有手机讯号 四周都是椅子… with no phone signal, surrounded by chairs.
也对 Right.
我的推特帐号有几乎400万个粉丝 I have almost four million followers on my Twitter account.
而且前几天才建的帐号 They just opened it the other day.
这证明了我早就知道的事实 And that proves to me what I've known all along,
大家都希望我复出 that the public wants me to come back,
我想满足观众 and I wanna give them what they need.
好 Okay.
那么… Well,
我当然希望你能快乐 只是… I mean, obviously I want you to be happy.I just...
我只是得要想办法… I guess it's gonna just take a little bit of
让自己搞懂 getting my head around.
这个嘛… Well...
尽量懂吧 try.
好 我要去一下厕所 Okay, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.
好 Okay.
黑糖？ Candy
你还好吧？ You okay
-我好像听到你吐的声音 -对 我刚刚吐了 我… -Thought I heard you throwing up. -Yes, I just threw up.
我很不舒服 I don't feel well.
一定是吃坏肚子了 I... It must've been something I ate.
你根本没吃几口 You barely even touched your food.
我知道 但是我… I know, but I... I... I just...
我真的…我必须改天再约 I need to take a rain check.
你…什么？ Rain... Where What
-我们改天再继续好吗？ -我才刚到耶 - Can we pick this up another night I'm sorry. - No, I just got here.
我身体很不舒服 而且我又要吐了 I'm not feeling well. And I'm gonna vomit again.
我不想让你看到我吐 对不起 我会再打给你 And I don't wanna do it in front of you.I'm sorry. I'll call you.
你为什么要把我锁在外面 You want to tell me why I've been locked out
花园小屋里 我他妈在集中营吗？ in my garden house like fucking Guantánamo
给你个建议 A little tip:
如果你想迷昏一个老毒虫 剂量最好下重一点 If you're going to drug a former addict,you might wanna up the dose.
你他妈刚才到底把谁赶走？ Who the fuck was that you just kicked out anyway
什么谁啊？没人啊 Who was who That was nobody.
没人先生的车会自己开吗？ Does Mr. Nobody's car drive itself.
好啦 我刚才在约会 Okay. I was on a date.
我的天啊！ Oh, my God.
你的约会对象 And this date you're on,
这家伙以为他差点要上了谁？ who does the guy think he was about to get it on with
灯光替身宝拉 Paula the stand-in
还是电影明星黑糖？ or Candy the movie star.
这个人到底是谁？追星族吗？ Who is this guy anyway, a groupie
你该不会跑去找被我发卡的人吧？ Have you been rooting through my trash for cast-off cock
他不是被你发卡的人 He is not cast-off cock.
我猜猜看喔 他是你的梦中情人 Let me guess. He's the man of your dreams.
问题是他爱的不是你 The only catch is he's not in love with you.
他爱的是我 He's in love with me.
他爱的不是你 因为他从来没见过你 Oh, he is not in love with you because he's never even met you.
我暗示要你今晚出去 你听不懂 所以… And you wouldn't take the hint about going out tonight, so...
所以何必跟对方好好说呢？ So, why have a conversation with someone
只要把他们丢进一堆落叶里就好啦 when you can just throw them in a pile of leaves
我以为你是我朋友 I thought you were my friend,
好室友？ roomie,
但你只是一只水蛭 but you're just a leech.
搭便车想吃免费午餐 Getting another free ride on the gravy train
跟大家一样 但还要顺便爽一下 like everyone else,with a slice of cock pie.
如果我是水蛭 那你是什么？ If I'm a leech, what does that make you
我是拼死拼活工作的女人 The chick who worked her ass off for 20 years
花了20年才出人头地 making a name for herself.
我告诉你 你不是水蛭 You know what You're not a leech.
这样讲太毒了 That was too harsh.
你比较像用劣质松木做的衣帽架 You're more like a coat stand made of shitty pine.
可恶！ God damn it.
每个人都以为当灯光替身很简单！ Everybody thinks a stand-in has it so goddamn easy.
你知道我晚上甚至没办法开车吗？ Did you know that I can't even drive at night
因为我晚上看不见 because I have night blindness
因为我这些年来 被片场的灯光照坏眼睛了 from them shining those lights in my eyes all those years
你也许出人头地了 You may have made a name for yourself,
但是只有我好好利用你的成就 but I'm the only one doing anything with it.
我才是大家一直想要的黑糖白兰咖 I am the Candy Black that everybody's always wanted.
你的确是我 只是少了天分 Uh, you're me, minus the talent.
那些影迷、狗仔队 Those fans, those paparazzi...
他们要的不是你 小妹妹 是我 it's not you they want, honey, it's me.
对 但是他们只能得到我 Yeah, but it's me they're getting.
而且没有我 And without me,
他们只能得到一个可悲的中年女子 there would just be some sad,middle-aged woman
手里拿着铁鎚制作橱柜 with a hammer making sideboards.
他们需要黑糖白兰咖 They need Candy Black.
他们也应该得到黑糖白兰咖 They deserve Candy Black.
你以为我对自己的影迷有某种义务 You think I have some obligation to my fans
让他们能抽离自己 毫无意义的无聊人生吗？ to fucking distract them from their pointless, boring lives
没错 老娘就是这么觉得！ Yes, I goddamn do!
狗屁！ Bullshit!
我已经报效国家 I've done my service to the nation.
为民众提供娱乐了 好吗？ Entertaining the people, okay
我他妈的想过自己的人生！ I want my fucking life back.
那你保证要还给我的人生呢？ What about the life you promised back to me
你好像挺享受自己的新生活啊 Well, you seem to be enjoying your new life just fine.
我要打给你的追星族 让他知道 I'm gonna call your groupie
自己干的女人到底是谁 and let him know whose pussy he's really chowing down on.
给我 Give me that.
给我啦！ Give me that.
干… dry
可恶… God... Just...
好啦 给你！那个追星族就送你了 Fine, take it!And take your goddamn groupie.
但是给我滚出这个家 不准回来 Just get out of my house and never come back.
打到你的痛点了吧？ That hit you where it hurts.
他妈的衣帽架！ Damn! Goddamn coat stand!
干！ Fuck!
他妈的开门 你他妈臭屄！ Open the fucking door!You fucking cunt!
靠！ Shit.
快啦 Come on!
快开门啦 Open the door!
快啦 Come on,
开你妈的门啦 open the fucking door!
警察局吗？ Police Hi,
我是黑糖白兰咖 那个女演员 this is Candy Black.The actress.
谢谢 复出的感觉真好 Oh, thank you. It's nice to be back.
有人闯入我家 There's an intruder at my house.
她是个变态 还把自己整得跟我一样 She's a weirdo who's had plastic surgery to look like me.
橡树路1800号 谢谢 1800 Oakwood Drive. Thank you.
你以为你可以抢走我的房子 我的名字和我的人生？ Think you can steal my house My name, my life
这是我的人生 干 This is my fucking life.
可是你根本没有好好利用 But you weren't doing anything with it.
所以也许该把机会让给别人了 So maybe it's time to let someone else have a turn.
妈的 我快冷死了 I'm fucking freezing out here.
好了 你也玩够了 Okay. Okay, that's it. Party's over.
天啊 救救我吧 Party's over.
干你妈白痴 我是黑糖白兰咖 You fucking idiot. I'm Candy Black! -
骗鬼喔 Yeah, sure you are.
小姐 我们要把你抬离这个地方 Ma'am, we're gonna have to remove you from the property.
我他妈的是黑糖白兰咖啦！ I'm fucking Candy Black.
她才是伪装的 你们这些白痴 She's the impostor, you fucking douchebag.
靠！干！ Oh!Shit!
你们应该把她抬走的！ 她才是伪装的… You should be removing her. She's the impostor.
-谢谢 -不足挂齿 - Thank you. -Glad to help.
可以跟我自拍吗？ Uh, can I get a selfie
-没问题 -太好了 -Sure. -Great.
你跟《六人行》那女的拿假老二打架 That scene where you and the chicken friends
让我笑到翻过去了 had the dildo sword fight made me laugh my ass off.
珍妮佛安妮斯顿是我的好朋友 Jennifer Aniston is a good friend.
晚安 Good night.
因为你是我的辅导员 Because you're my sponsor.
因为我觉得整件事好像是诈骗 Because I think that this is starting to feel like a con.
你跟我说只要戒酒 You're telling me my life is going to be improved
我的生活就会改善 变得更好 and better with the sobriety.
可是我根本就赚不到钱 好吗？ I'm not seeing any cash from that. Okay
我只发现自己以往 大半天醉醺醺时的自信心 All I'm seeing is just a guy who doesn't have the blistering confidence that I had
现在已经全都没了 when I was shit-faced half the day.
所以我打算提告 So I'm thinking about legal action.
你最好解释… So you better explain your...
等一下 Hold on.
我心情好再打给你 Yeah, I'll call you back if I want.
-喂？ -路易斯？ - Hello - Louis
嗨 黑糖 Hey, Candy.
在《跃马嘻哈道》重拍版客串的事 It's about the cameo and the Saddle Up reboot.
-对 -我愿意拍 - Yes. - I'm up for it.
-我愿意接这部片 -太好了 -I wanna take the job. -That's great.
这个决定对我们两个都有好处 This is the right decision for us.
我好高兴 他们愿意付你提出的片酬 I'm... I'm so happy. And they're willing to pay your quote.
我明天就跟他们敲定 I'll get into it with them tomorrow.
路易斯 谢谢你相信我 Thank you, Louis, for believing in me.
大姐 我相信你的程度 在这一行可说绝无仅有 Buddy, I believe in you in a way that this business never has,
而且我会一直相信你 好吗？ and that doesn't go away. All right
谢谢 再见 Thank you, goodbye.
搞什么？ What in Sam hell...
-喂？ -路易斯 让我进去！ -Hello -Louis! Let me in.
等一下 我… But wait, I...
我们刚刚才讲电话耶 From the phone just now
让我进去！ Let me in!
好啦 Okay.
-嗨 -嗨 -Oh! Hey. -Hey.
我可以在这里过夜吗？ Can I stay here tonight
你好怪 You look weird.
怎么回事？我刚刚才跟你讲完电话 What's going on I just got off the phone with you.
靠 惨了 是假扮我的人 Oh, shit. No, that was my impostor.
她刚刚才把我赶出我的家门 干 And she just kicked me out of my fucking house.
-假扮你的人？ -对啊 - Your impostor - Yeah.
我以前的灯光替身 我要她帮我去勒戒所蹲 My old stand-in. I got her to go to rehab for me.
结果她就待了下来 假装要帮我 结果… And then she kind of stayed around and acted like she was gonna help me.
结果她是内心邪恶的臭婊子 操 But it turns out she's just a fucking evil bitch
等着把我整死 who was waiting to screw me over.
所以过去几个星期跟我合作的那个人 So, the person that I've been dealing with
道歉巡回之旅的人是… these last couple of weeks doing the apology tour,
是这个女灯光替身 不是你？ that's this chick, the stand-in Not you
她长得跟我很像 也上过电视 Well, she looks like me, and she's been on TV.
所以她等于把我的脸拿去注册商标了 So she has the officially registered version of my face.
所以这个有礼貌、会准时出现的黑糖 So, this nice Candy,the one that turns up on time
而且一直帮我赚钱的人不是你？ and has been bringing all this money...that's not you
不是 No.
好 Okay.
那我会继续跟她合作 I am gonna go with her on this one.
-什么？ -我只是… - What - I just...
她是不是真的并不重要 It doesn't matter that she's fake.
演艺界本来就很虚假 This whole business is fake.
我的名字也不叫路易斯 而是腓特烈 My name isn't even Louis. It's Friedrich.
但谁要名叫腓特烈的经纪人？所以… But who wants an agent named Friedrich
如果这个新的你赚更多钱 也更好相处 So if this new you makes more money and is easier to work with,
我为什么不… why wouldn't I...
有道理吗？ Does that make sense
所以这个时刻总算到了 So, this is that moment
我该跟你道别了 where I say goodbye.
我要送你非常特别的礼物 There's something really special I wanna give you.
夏克教风格板条靠背椅 A Shaker ladder back chair, wow.
对 Yes,
灵感来自伟大的夏克教派女教徒 it was inspired by the great Shaker woman,
塔比莎芭比特 Tabitha Babbitt,
这是我特地为你做的 and I made it for you.
花了很多功夫 我还上了很多胶 It took a lot of work and I used a lot of glue.
胶？ Glue
对啊 Yes.
我稍微作了弊 I cheated a little bit.
谢谢 但是… Hmm. Thanks, but...
我们之间的关系还是有点怪 Things still feel weird between us.
感觉就是不对劲 Something doesn't feel right.
这个感觉怎么样？ How does this feel
-对不起 可以请你帮个忙吗？ -不行 - Excuse me. Can I ask you a favor - No.
-不行 -可以请你帮我们拍张照吗？ - No. - Could you take our picture
-西瓜甜不甜？ -甜！ -Say "cheese." -Cheese.
谢谢你 美女 Thanks so much, honey.
我叫凯西 I'm Kathy.
凯西泰勒 Kathy Tyler.
觉得怎么样？ How are you doing
很好啊 Good.
不过我们以后不在这里过夜了 好吗？ But this is the last night we stay here, okay
-你不喜欢我家？ -这个嘛 -You don't like my apartment -Well,
这个地方很不错 可是… I mean, it's lovely,
干嘛住在烂猪舍？ but why stay in a shitty shoebox
我们明明就可以住在皇宫里啊 when you can live in a princess' palace
我家没那么烂吧？ It's not that bad.
来 Here.
-这是给白马王子的钥匙 -谢谢 -It's a key... for my prince. -Thanks.
不过你要记住一件事 Oh, but there's something you should know.
前几天有一个女游民闯进我家 There's this homeless woman, and she broke in the other day.
-什么？ -对 - What - Yes.
我觉得她是疯狂影迷 奇怪的是 I think she's a crazed fan.And the funny thing is
她长得有点像我 she kind of looks like me.
-我觉得她可能有去整型 -天啊！ - I think she might've had surgery. - Oh, my God.
所以如果看到她 鬼鬼祟祟的 就直接报警 So if you see her snooping around,just call 911.
警察都知道这号麻烦人物 The cops know all about her.
好 没问题 Um, yeah. Okay.
你好 Hey.
如果你要找木工专才 If you're looking for anyone in carpentry,
我有乙级执照和十年实务经验 I've got a licensed journeyman certificate and ten years' experience.
很想找份工作 I'd love to get a job.
我必须看到你的证书才能答应 Can't answer that without seeing your work credentials.
你明天早上带着证件 So why don't you come back in the morning with your
工具和装备过来 我看看有没有职缺 paperwork,tools, work gear.I'll see what we've got.
太好了 谢谢 Great. Thank you.
这个工班如果能多个女人就好了 It'll be good to have another woman on this team.
对啊 Yeah.
明天见 I'll see you tomorrow.
虽然不是什么豪华餐厅 Well, it's not Le Cirque.
但是回到我们当初见面的地方好浪漫 But it's certainly nice to be back where we met. Romantic.
至少这里很安静 At least it's quiet.
为什么你一直想躲起来？ Why are you so obsessed with hiding
你不想融入人群 尽情享受人生吗？ Don't you want to get out in the world and make the most of life
你在做什么？ What are you doing
你们想跟我合照的话没关系 It's okay if you want to come take my photo.
他们还没问耶 They didn't even ask.
我妈超爱你的 My mom loves you.
我在Netflix上看过你所有的电影 I've watched all your movies on Netflix.
谢谢 我刚刚注册IG帐号 Thank you. Well, I just joined Instagram.
所以一定要标注我和追踪我喔 So make sure to tag me and become a follower.
来打我的痛点吧！ Hit me where it hurts.
他是纳粹屠杀尿尿小童那家伙 That's the Holocaust piss baby guy.
靠！好 我不行了 Oh, shit. Okay. I can't do this.
你要待的话请便 但我先走了 我们在你家会合 Stay if you want, but I'm going to go.I'll meet you back at the house.
纳粹屠杀尿尿小童那家伙 在跟黑糖白兰咖交往？ Wait so, the Holocaust piss baby guy is dating Candy Black
大姐 你太猛了！ This is awesome.
靠！我的天啊 不要杀我！ Shit! Oh, my God!
不要乱来 我要报警了 Don't do anything. I'm dialing 911.
天啊 求求你！ 我叫凯西 这里是我家 Don't, please. My name is Kathy, and this is my house.
我只是来拿工具和工作服的 I just came here to get some tools and work clothes.
凯西？ Kathy.
你是凯西？ You're Kathy
我的天啊 你他妈开什么玩笑？ Oh, my God. Are you fucking kidding me
-赶快报警 -她说这是她家 -Call the cops. -She says this is her house.
而且她叫凯西 And her name is Kathy.
而且她的声音… And her voice...
她的声音… Her voice is...
很像我的？对！因为她不是一般小偷 A lot like mine Yes, because she's not just a burglar.
她就是我刚刚提过的诈骗专家 She's the con artist I was telling you about.
她跟你的声音不一样 She doesn't sound like you.
她的声音很像… She sounds like
凯西 Kathy.
而且你的声音… And your voice...
听起来很像史帝夫 You sound like Steve.
凯西 Kathy,
你…你是凯西？ you... You're Kathy.
她不是凯西 She's not Kathy.
我才是凯西 I'm Kathy.
我是说 我不是凯西 但她也不是 I mean, I'm not Kathy, but neither is she.
-你是史帝夫吗？ -对 - Are you Steve - Yeah.
其实…我是赖瑞 I mean, I'm Larry
-但也是史帝夫 -赖瑞？ - and Steve. - Larry
如果你是凯西 那她是谁？ But if you're Kathy, then who's she
她叫宝拉 是操他妈的灯光替身 Her name's Paula and she's my fucking stand-in.
我不是宝拉 我是凯西 I'm not Paula. I'm Kathy.
我是说…黑糖 I mean Candy.
但她才不是凯西或黑糖 But she's not Kathy or Candy.
如果你是正牌的 If you're the real deal,
那么《小丑村》的票房是多少？ then what was the box office on Clown Town
你以为我成天没事背那种东西？ You think I sit around memorizing that shit
美国票房一亿六千八百万美元 168 million domestic.
你看 我才是真的 See, I'm the real deal.
如果你是真的 那就来比木工本事 If you're the real deal, let's have a woodwork showdown.
拿出工具来 看看谁做的子母桌最好 Break out your chisel, and we'll find out who makes the best nesting tables.
我不需要向任何人证明我的木作技术 I don't have to prove my woodworking skills to anyone.
你第一次见到她时 不觉得 When you met her, you didn't think it was weird
我的个性大转变很奇怪吗？ that I'd had a personality transplant
我以为总算能认识真正的你了 No. Well, I thought I was getting to know the real you.
我是说她 I mean... her.
你之前就是跟他约会？ This is who you had the date with
在这栋房子里？ Here at the house
你下药迷昏我的那天？ The night you drugged me
你对她下药？ You drugged her
我只下了一点点药啦 It was just a little drugging.
你偷走我的名字和我的家 You took my name and my house, and that wasn't enough.
这样还不够？连我爱的男人也要抢？ You had to take the man I love, too
你不可能爱他 You can't love him.
你连他都不认识 You don't even know him.
你他妈的给我滚出我家 Now get the fuck out of my house.
反正我拿到我要的东西了 I got what I came here for.
祝你在这个家里发臭发烂 I hope you rot in this house.
她走了 冒牌货走了 She's gone. The impostor is gone.
宝拉？ Paula.
你真的叫那个名字吗？ Is that even your real name
是 对不起 Yes. I'm sorry.
对不起？ sorry？
对不起什么？因为你骗我？ Sorry For what, tricking me
我是说… I mean...
我们相处的时间是真的 The time we spent together, that was real.
不要因为你以为我是别人… Just because you thought I was someone else...
我真的对你有感觉 I actually had feelings for you.
或许…我不知道 至少我以为我是 Or... I don't know. At least I thought I did.
你不是黑糖、凯西或宝拉 You're not Candy, Kathy or Paula.
你谁都不是 You're no one,
只是躯壳里的一个黑洞 just a black hole where a person should be.
我真的如释重负 And I am so relieved
因为你不是她 that you're not her.
我帮你叫车 送你到 《跃马嘻哈道》的片场 Hello, I got you the car to take you to set of Saddle Up,
你一定会很高兴 and it's gonna be great.
因为续集一定比第一集好 The sequel is always better than the original.
你懂我意思吧？ You know what I mean Right
-开心吗？ -超开心的 -You psyched -Oh, I am so psyched.
那就好 Great.
那就祝你演出顺利 真的 Well, break a leg, seriously. Ha ha!
最好摔个多重骨折 Multiple compound fractures.
好了 All right. Um...
能跟全新的黑糖合作让我好高兴 so excited to be working with the new Candy.
再见了 路易斯 Bye, Louis.
我想像这个地方是什么样子好多次了 I've imagined what this place looks like so many times,
真的到现场反而觉得奇怪 it's weird actually being in here.
那个是熊爸爸吗？ Is that Papa Bear -
对 正是椅子“本人” Yeah.As a matter of fact, it is.
我的椅子 My chair.
干 她把我的椅子给你？ She gave you my fucking chair
你竟然为我做这把椅子 I can't believe you made that for me.
其实这是做给我自己的礼物 Well, actually it was a present to myself.
我很喜欢制作的过程 I enjoyed making it so much.
木工本身无懈可击 但是… The plane work on its own is flawless,
整体效果 我是说… but the whole effect, I mean...
看起来就好像来自 1880年代的夏克教区 It looks like it could've come out of a Shaker Society in the 1880's.
谢谢 Thanks.
这是我收过最棒的礼物 I think it's the best present anyone ever gave me.
只是送你的那个人不对 Except the wrong person gave it to you.
对啊 我想是吧 Yeah, I guess so.
英格丽 你过得怎么样？ Hi, Ingrid. How are you
我很清醒 很好 又清醒又好 Sober. Great. I'm sober and great.
我要再次谢谢你愿意接这部戏 Thanks again for being up for this.
我保证好玩 We're gonna have fun.
现在还没好 所以我要编排第二组 We're not quite ready.So I'm going to set up a second team.
你先去拖车休息 Just relax in your trailer.
你该不会有带维可汀止痛药吧？ Hey, you wouldn't happen to have some Vicodin on you, would you
还是半颗普考赛特之类的？ Maybe a half of a Percocet or something
-英格丽！ -时机不对吗？ - Ingrid! - It's a bad time
-我待会儿找你 -英格丽！ - I'll catch you later. - Ingrid!
-来了 -快 -I'm coming! -fast
准备上妆了 They're ready for touch-ups.
黑糖白兰咖
很好 她来了 There she is.
嗨 这位是莎丽 在这部电影当你的灯光替身 Hey, this is Sally.She's your stand-in on this picture.
她只是想找个机会跟你打招呼 She just wanted a chance to say hello to you.
我是超级影迷 I'm a big fan.
从以前到现在都是 I have been since forever.
谢谢 Thanks.
好 我们等一下见了 Okay. We'll see you in a minute.
总算开始了 Here we are.
-对 -所以… -yes -So, um,
要省略彩排直接上戏吗？ should we just skip rehearsal You want to go in for a take
这个嘛 Well,
他们昨天晚上才给我对话稿 they just gave me the sides last night,
我还没看过完整剧本 and I haven't had a chance to read the whole script.
所以我不知道角色动机是什么 So I don't know what my motivation is.
你的动机就是爬到这堆干草上面 Well, your motivation is that you...you climb up on this bale of hay,
然后扑下去 and then you dive
把头埋进这堆牛粪里 off and land on this pile of cow shit.
牛粪 一定要的 The cow shit, of course.
对啊 Yep.
我真的要爬到这堆干草上 Um, do I really have to get up on the bale of hay
然后扑到这堆牛粪里吗？ and then dive into the cow shit
对啊 整个景就是这样 Well, yeah, I mean, that's the whole scene.
笑点就在这里 你的处女作就玩这个 That's the joke. It's what you did in the first picture.
反正你最擅长这种打闹型喜剧 And anyway, this whole physical comedy stuff, it's what you do.
这是你的专长 你是天才 It's your thing. You're a genius.
对啊 好吧 很好 Yeah. All right.
太好了 Great.
好 开始了 Okay, here we go.
好啦 各位预备 All right, everybody. Let's get ready.
然后…打板 And mark it.
好 预备 然后… Okay. Settle.And...
开麦拉！ action.
-芭芭拉 对不起 但是我… -卡！ - Barbara, I'm sorry. - Cut!
我没办法拍这一景 好吗？我办不到 But I can't do this scene. Okay I can't do it.
我… I...
-我没办法拍这一景 -黑糖 拜托你 -I cannot do the scene. -Candy, Candy, please.
不要又来了 Let's not do this again.
我马上回来 That said, I'll be right back.
你在华盛顿郡买那幅科普利的画？ Is that the Copley you bought in Washington County, right
对 Right.
所以你要把宝拉怎么样？报警？ So, what are you going to do about Paula Call the cops
然后因为派一个疯子 顶替我进去勒戒而坐牢？ And get arrested for sending a psycho to rehab for me
那个疯子抢走你的人生？ 你不想要回来吗？ That psycho's stolen your life. Don't you want it back
不想 No.
所以你要让她住你家 过你的人生 全部让给她？ So you're just gonna let her have your house,
反正我从来没有喜欢过 那栋房子或那种生活 your life, everything I never liked that house or that life anyway.
那你的事业呢？ And what about your career
我的运气一直都很好 I've been so lucky,
可是我真的很想先演自己一阵子 but I'm really excited to play myself for a while.
好吧 Well,
我只觉得终于见到你很高兴 I'm excited to finally meet you.
真正的你 The real you.
没想到我们会这样见面 This isn't how I imagined us meeting.
我也是 No. Me, neither.
但我们总算见面了 我好高兴 But I am so happy that we have.
我也是 So am I.
要跟我一起坐熊爸爸吗？ How about joining me in the Papa Bear
期待好久了 It's been a long time.
黑糖！ Candy
黑糖！ Candy.
黑糖！ Candy!
靠 是宝拉吗？ Oh, shit. Is that Paula
我干！ Oh, fuck.
黑糖！ Candy.
-黑糖！ -我来处理 - Candy. - I'll deal with this.
黑糖！ Candy!
搞屁啊？最好是重要的事 What the fuck This better be important.
我知道你一点都不想跟我讲话 Look, I know that I'm the last person
也不想知道我存在的事实 you wanna speak to or even think about the fact that I exist.
我不怪你 但是你一定要拍这部片 And I don't blame you, but you got to do this film.
我办不到 I can't do it.
大家都在等我 我很想走进去 Everyone's there waiting.And I want to walk in
告诉他们我不是你 and tell them I'm not you.
这样你就能进去把那场戏搞定 And then you can come in and do the scene and nail i
你说得没错 You were right.
我不是演员 I'm not an actress.
我只是个灯光替身 I'm just a stand-in.
我觉得你一定能从干草堆上 I think you can absolutely dive headfirst
一头栽进一坨牛粪里 from a bale of hay into a pile of cow shit.
我可以一头栽进牛粪里 Oh, I can dive headfirst into cow shit.
但是只有你一头栽进牛粪里这么好笑 But nobody can dive headfirst into cow shit like you.
我是说 I mean,
世界上只有一个黑糖白兰咖 there is only one Candy Black.
对啊 Yeah.
那个人就是你 And I'm looking at her.
这是什么意思？ What do you mean
你既然这么想要这个角色 You want this part so bad
那就给你了 It's all yours.
你是说真的？你没有耍我？ And you mean it. You're not fucking with me
不要太讨人厌就好 Just try not to be too big of an asshole.
你也不要骗我说你不是演戏的料 And don't give me that shit about not being an actress,
因为你已经骗过大家好几个月了 because you've been fooling everyone for months.
不对 我只是个衣帽架 No, I'm just a coat stand.
我没有你的天分 I don't have your talent.
你是说为了搏君一笑 A talent for self-loathing
而讨厌自己 牺牲所有自尊的天分？ and sacrificing every ounce of dignity I have for a laugh
你绝对可以做到 You can do that.
史帝夫的事 我真的很对不起 I'm really sorry about Steve.
也许我真的不该把他从你手里抢走 Maybe he's the one thing I shouldn't have taken from you.
关于史帝夫 我一直想对你做一件事 Yeah. There's been one thing I've been meaning to give you for Steve.
喔 靠！ Oh, shit.
你们看 他妈的黑糖白兰咖耶！ Dude. It's Candy fucking Black.
我赶快来一张自拍 Let me get a selfie real quick.
好好享受吧 Heh! Enjoy.
你们看 Watch this.
来打我的痛点吧！ Hit me where it hurts.
麻烦你们扶我起来 Maybe you can help me up.
好了 各位 保持肃静 Okay, people, quiet down now.
开麦拉！ And action.
来打我的痛点吧 Hit me where it hurts.
卡！ Cut.
好 把她脸上的大便清掉 我们再拍一次 Oh, okay. Let's clean this shit off her face.Let's go again.
我们马上重拍 We're going again. Right away.
要录影了 各位 要录影了！ Picture is up, guys. Picture is up.
一年后
美女 祝你生日快乐 Happy Birthday, gorgeous.
-吃杯子蛋糕当早餐？ -谁说不行的？ -A cupcake for breakfast -Why not
记得要许愿 Now make a wish.
我的愿望全都实现了 I already got all my wishes.
谢谢 Thank you.
-我去开店 -好 - I'm gonna go open up. - Okay.
凯西泰勒手作家具行
喜乐山镇